Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...

Wait, wrong story.

Anyway, once upon a time, Larry Nevin wrote an essay wondering how it could be possible for Superman and Lois Lane to have sex, much less a child.

I love it when people toss out applications of science to fantasy contexts to prove how the fantasy couldn't possibly work ... and then proceed to get it all wrong because they didn't understand the fantasy to begin with. So let's tear some of Larry Nevin's shit apart, shall we?

(It's worth noting that Nevin wrote this in 1971, and much of this established cannon had yet to be established. It's entirely possible that these "solutions" came as a result of Nevin pointing out how ludicrous this all is.)

Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain eating habits.

This is the most true point he ever brings up. Superman is not human. This makes the biology incredibly difficult, if not impossible. It's pretty much the one thing that we must suspend our disbelief about.

(*One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.*)

Looking at how Superman's origin story has evolved over the years, this isn't entirely true. Superman's abilities not only developed over time, but are also dependent upon storing solar energy. Yes, he had to learn to control his X-Ray Vision, but only after the ability manifested. It's widely accepted that the only ability Superman had when he arrived on Earth was superhuman strength.

The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.

Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?

...

Is there a solution?

There are several. Each has drawbacks.

We can make LL wear a kryptonite ... belt around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.

(I've skipped a lot of excessive detail about sperm and whatnot that you could read if you really care.) This is certainly a concern. Which is when when the subject has happened at any time in the past, Superman has always been without his powers.

Luckily, since it has been established that it is the yellow sun that gives Superman his powers, we only need to ensure that he is deprived of solar energy. In Superman II, Superman has been robbed of his powers by the "molecular chamber" when he and Lois spend the evening together. (I have to assume that the molecular chamber simply exposes Superman to radiation similar to that of the red sun.)

All of the other issues Nevin brings up about sperm and carrying the baby to term are not an issue. Again, since the powers are derived from stored solar energy, we can safely assume that the baby needs too much time to collect said radiation to manifest these powers, and as such, will not harm Lois.

I really can't believe I just issued a rebuttal to a decades-old essay, but there you have it ... just in time to ponder the ponderous as you watch Superman Returns. Which I'll be seeing in IMAX 3D Saturday afternoon.

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