10 Rules to Follow at Gamer Conventions (But No One Does ...)

Inspired by what I have witnessed at PAX this year, I give to you, 10 Rules fo Follow at Gamer Conventions (But No One Does ...)

10. If you can't set your cellphone to silent, at least don't stick it in a pocket you can't reach during a seminar so that the entire audience and panel are subjected to the embarassment you must feel when the whitest guy on the planet has a rap song as his ringtone, as well as being forced to listen to the entire damned song. Twice.

9. I know that you want to take notes, but trust me, there is no possible way that you can turn on your MacBook without everyone in the audience knowing it. Turn it on before the discussion starts, or don't turn it on at all.

8. There's a coat check for a reason. Please avail yourself of it, because the rest of us don't want to smell "The Funk of Ages" that comes from your having worn your trenchcoat all day in 80-degree weather.

7. You're a nerd. No matter how cool you or your friends might think you are, you're at a gamer convention. Your secret is out. Please stop trying to be cooler than everyone else in the venue.

6. Yes, you have a selection of funny clothing. Please do not wear it all at once, for the same reason as Rule 8. In fact, your funny clothing is no funnier than the clothing I saw on that guy over there, or this guy here, or that guy over yonder. You might as well just stop trying.

5. For the sake of yourself, and the olfactory senses of those around you, please search Google for the following: Right Guard, Gold Bond, Head 'n' Shoulders, Colgate, Listerine, Altoids.

4. I know this is your first convention, like, ever ... but please stop grabbing everything that isn't nailed down. Some of that stuff, you know, belongs to people. Even the stuff that is being freely given away you'll find has absolutely no value whatsoever and you're going to feel foolish for having brought three oversized bags of it home.

3. I know she's your girlfriend, and you're totally serious and stuff, but you really can let go of her. She won't run away, and no one is going to steal your elusive "Gamer Chick", not even that guy in Rule 4. I promise.

2. I know that you're a thousand miles away from home, and that these are unfamiliar surroundings, but I assure you ... the shower in your hotel room is every bit as good as the one at home. Please use it. I'm totally begging you now.

1. That much caffeine is not good for you. Yeah, you ... the guy who's been carrying the case of Bawls around the convention all day. By the way, you know you can check other things at the coat check besides actual coats, right? You don't have to carry it around.

Bonus Rule: Shirts and Pants should meet. Please buy clothes that fit, and have the presence of mind to know when you might be exposing yourself to those around you, because no matter how cute the term "coin slot" might be, that's still an inch of your ass crack that I'm seeing.

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